5150 Giveaway!
In what resembled an Oprah Winfrey-esque giveaway bonanza, every person in the emergency department at Hospital Woeisme received a 5150 yesterday.
Read MoreAn EMS Play (By Play)
Two young dads in sports jerseys stroll around their mostly-deserted suburban neighborhood. They're carrying small folding stools and listening to a police scanner. Their faces light up when they hear the crackling radio announce that a trauma has occurred near them. They rush to the nearby address. On arriving, they set up their stools on the sidewalk. They pull brightly colored plastic microphones, which look 'borrowed' from their kids, from their jacket pockets.
Read MoreHospital Wins Record Number of Awards
Hospital Woeisme has won a record-breaking number of Golden Catheter Awards this year. Just at the Golden Raspberry Awards, also known as the Razzies, honor to the worst movies each year, the Cathies are awarded annually to hospitals for colossal screw-ups, embarrassing claims-to-fame, and record-breaking fails.
Read MoreLove is in the (Pneumatic) Air
What started as a mistaken laboratory order blossomed into one of the greatest romances that Hospital Woeisme has ever seen.
One afternoon, an employee heard the familiar whoosh and clunk of a carrier tube arriving via the pneumatic tube system. The hospital-wide tube system transports thousands of items each day, such as laboratory samples and medications. On opening the tube at her station, station 14, she found an item request from station 63, which had been meant for another department.
Read MorePediatric Patients Commandeer Ward
Pediatricians at Hospital Woeisme were shocked during rounds over the weekend to find that the pediatrics ward had been placed on lockdown. Though initially worried that a security threat had triggered the lockdown, they soon found that the pediatric patients had staged the coup themselves and taken control of the ward.
Read MoreSandwich Shortage Causes Stir-fry
Wok n’ Wards, the new restaurant at Hospital Woeisme, caused quite a stir-fry in the emergency department last week. The restaurant replaced a longstanding delicatessen, and features Asian styles dishes where patrons can mix and match vegetables, noodles, and meats such as chicken, pork, and beef. Notably missing from the menu is any dish with turkey.
Read MoreResident Band Wins Big!
ROSC, a band comprised of residents from Hospital Woeisme, has been announced as the winner of a nationwide talent contest! The band, which officially stands for ‘Rockin’ Out, Stayin’ Cool,’ (though rumor has it the original acronym stood for ‘Residents Over Stupid Crap,’ and not to be confused with the ambulance ride-share app ‘Riding On Shared Cabs’) has signed a multi-million dollar recording contract as part of their winnings. Playing in the genre they’ve dubbed Nouveau Classic Rock, ROSC is reminiscent of Jimi Hendrix, with the added intensity of Lenny Kravitz-esque energy.
Read MoreNew Walk-through CT Scanners at Hospital Entrances!
Hospital Woeisme has finished updating its entrances, with the completed doors more closely resembling something from the new Star Wars movie than a hospital entrance. Each metal entryway features a short, tunneled pathway, wide enough for one person to walk through at a time. In addition to the usual feature of allowing for ingress and egress of a structure, these doors have something extra: they are all CT scanners.
Read MoreEssential Oils Improve Community Health
Always aiming to stay on top of the latest trends in the medical world, Hospital Woeisme has started selling essential oils in its gift shop and pharmacy. According to hospital CEO Dr. Koopa, “Essential oils promise all sorts of medical benefits. The premium starter kit I purchased contains a variety of flavors, and I was promised that my return on investment would be enormous – how could I not get involved in such an enterprise?”
Read MoreMagic Pill Now Available!
Breaking news from Hospital Woeisme! The newest medical marvel on the market, diexerciseatrightumab, is now available. It goes by the trade name Allinone (pronounced all-in-one), but most refer to it simply as: The Magic Pill.
Read MoreSecret Speakeasy Stumps C-suite
Hospital Woeisme administrators have been scouring the facility recently, attempting to locate a secret resident-run speakeasy. Rumors first spread about the hidden bar when a disgruntled resident, who apparently hadn’t been given an invitation, reported it to his attending. The speakeasy is believed to have music, games, and drinking, though no one is entirely sure as it is so mysterious.
Read MoreGas Leak Leaves Surgeons in Stitches
An unusual noise emanating from the surgeon's lounge at Hospital Woeisme resulted in one of the greatest medical mysteries in recent history. The sound, described as near constant, loud, and varying in pitch and tone, disturbed and confused any who heard it. When investigated, the cause of the noise turned out to be uncontrollable laughter.
Read More150-Year-Old Time Capsule Unearthed
This past Saturday a 150-year-old time capsule was unearthed on the grounds of Hospital Woeisme. Initially buried in the year 1870 at a ceremony commemorating the opening of Hospital Woeisme, the time capsule was inscribed with the instructions, “Do not open until January 20, 2020. Or else.”
Read MoreFirst Annual Roller Derby Match
The long-standing tradition of a springtime interdepartmental resident and fellow baseball game at Hospital Woeisme is getting replaced this year with a roller derby match. Changing the activity is hoping to level the playing field and get more trainees to participate. Typically, the same few folks end up pitching and batting, while the rest aimlessly wander the outfield or drink beer in the bleachers.
Read MoreName Change for University College of Woeisme
The University College of Woeisme officially changed its name to University of Woeisme College of Medicine at a ribbon cutting ceremony earlier today. The name change occurred just prior to the school’s annual pep rally. Rumors abound that the actual impetus for the name change was the result of an unfortunate incident with a prominent donor.
Read MoreHaunted Patient Room Frightens Interns
Physicians are scientists. They tend to favor evidence-based medicine, robust research studies, and cold, hard logic. Ghosts and superstitions do not typically fall under those categories. But in room 513, a series of odd events has caused a group of medicine interns to question their disbelief in the supernatural.
Read MoreResident Adds Rorschach Reads to Radiology Reports
In the darkness of the radiology reading rooms, only the gentle hum of the computers and the quiet chatter of residents dictating radiology reads break the silence. Among the computers sits Dr. Exner, a senior radiology resident at Hospital Woeisme. He has recently become known for a peculiar habit – he has begun added Rorschach interpretations into each and every radiology report he completes.
Read MoreHospital Joins Airbnb, Rents Out Call Rooms
In an attempt to increase revenue and meet the growing tourism needs of the city, Hospital Woeisme has joined Airbnb and is now renting out their call rooms. According to hospital CEO Dr. Koopa, the move is both innovative and resourceful. “Tourists today are constantly looking for new and immersive experiences. What could be more exciting than experiencing the life of a resident physician?”
Read MoreProfessor Charged with Attempted Death by PowerPoint
A startling and unnerving event is unfolding at University of Woeisme College of Medicine. Professor Dr. Dume has been taken into custody for the attempted murder of an undisclosed, but reportedly astronomical, number of medical students. The charges against Dume specified multiple counts of ‘Voluntary Death by PowerPoint.’
Read MoreDr. McMuffin Hired as New Peds Hospitalist
Dr. McMuffin, the lesser-known cousin of beloved TV physician Doc McStuffins, is the newest pediatric hospitalist at Hospital Woeisme. The young physician has already impressed her colleagues with her breadth of knowledge and clinical acumen, but apparently that is where the similarities with her cousin end. The residents have already been heard grumbling about McMuffin’s less than inviting personality and multitude of pet peeves.
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