Doctors Cure Death, Accidental Zombie Apocalypse Ensues

Physician researchers at Hospital Woeisme are known as the best in the country. Their skills are so advanced that they have achieved the impossible – they have cured death! The team had been working on a secret elixir, dubbed Anti-Deather (trademark pending), for years. They had tested various iterations of the proprietary concoction on scores of recently deceased patients, though they had not had any success until today.

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Pediatric Patients Commandeer Ward

Pediatricians at Hospital Woeisme were shocked during rounds over the weekend to find that the pediatrics ward had been placed on lockdown. Though initially worried that a security threat had triggered the lockdown, they soon found that the pediatric patients had staged the coup themselves and taken control of the ward.

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New Walk-through CT Scanners at Hospital Entrances!

Hospital Woeisme has finished updating its entrances, with the completed doors more closely resembling something from the new Star Wars movie than a hospital entrance. Each metal entryway features a short, tunneled pathway, wide enough for one person to walk through at a time. In addition to the usual feature of allowing for ingress and egress of a structure, these doors have something extra: they are all CT scanners.

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Essential Oils Improve Community Health

Always aiming to stay on top of the latest trends in the medical world, Hospital Woeisme has started selling essential oils in its gift shop and pharmacy. According to hospital CEO Dr. Koopa, “Essential oils promise all sorts of medical benefits. The premium starter kit I purchased contains a variety of flavors, and I was promised that my return on investment would be enormous – how could I not get involved in such an enterprise?”

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