Essential Oils Improve Community Health
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Essential Oils Improve Community Health
Always aiming to stay on top of the latest trends in the medical world, Hospital Woeisme has started selling essential oils in its gift shop and pharmacy. According to hospital CEO Dr. Koopa, “Essential oils promise all sorts of medical benefits. The premium starter kit I purchased contains a variety of flavors, and I was promised that my return on investment would be enormous – how could I not get involved in such an enterprise?”
Dr. Koopa quickly realized that he couldn’t make money by selling essential oils, but only by convincing others to buy starter sets. The CEO has since taken to showing up during rounds and trying to convince the teams to start selling as well. The attendings and residents have all declined the offer. Several unfortunate medical students were conned into using their student loan money to buy starter sets, under the veiled threat that they would not do well on match day if they did not support the hospital.
When it was pointed out to Dr. Koopa that essential oils are not evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration for safety, potency, efficacy, he huffed and replied, “Well, that remains to be seen. But now that you’re here, would you like to buy a starter set and sell your own? You could make a bundle!”
An emergency physician told of a patient evaluated in the emergency department who declined wanting antibiotics after being diagnosed with severe cellulitis of his leg. The patient went straight to the hospital pharmacy, and instead of filling his prescription he requested essential oils for his creeping infection. The emergency physician and pharmacist came up with the idea of slipping the necessary antibiotics into his peppermint lavender blend. The patient’s leg healed, and he has since been touting the benefits of essential oils all over the Internet. He also bought himself a starter kit.
Seeing how well their plan worked, the anonymous ED-pharmacist team has reportedly slipped everything from antibiotics, to steroids, to vaccines, to prenatal vitamins into a variety of popular blends. The community has noted a marked decline in incidents of new influenza cases, decreased bounce-backs to the ED, and overall improved health in the community.
Upon reviewing the latest and improved health data reports of the community, Dr. Koopa beamed, “See? Essential oils really do work! Are you sure you don’t want to buy a starter set? It’s a great investment!”
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