Hospital Wins Record Number of Awards
Hospital Wins Record Number of Awards
Hospital Woeisme has won a record-breaking number of Golden Catheter Awards this year. Just at the Golden Raspberry Awards, also known as the Razzies, honor to the worst movies each year, the Cathies are awarded annually to hospitals for colossal screw-ups, embarrassing claims-to-fame, and record-breaking fails.
This year, Hospital Woeisme received a record number of three Golden Catheter Awards:
1. Most Babies Born in an Elevator
When designing the obstetrics unit, hospital planners wanted to create a hotel-type atmosphere in each of the delivery suites. In order to provide expectant mothers with lots of natural light and the best views, the obstetrics unit was placed on the top floor of the hospital.
Though each room does feature sweeping cityscapes, the unit is at the opposite end of the hospital from check-in and the ambulance bay. Due to its lofty locale, many an Ob nurse has delivered a baby during the long ride to the top floor. So many babies have been born in the elevators that there is now a pair of gloves, some towels, and sterile clamps stored in all elevators, at all times.
2. Best Frequent Flyer Perks
As some patients suffer from multiple maladies and require frequent emergency department visits, Hospital Woeisme decided to create a “Woeisme Loyalty Punch Card” for its patients. Their aim was to lessen the sting of yet another trip to the hospital by providing small perks and prizes.
Once a patient reached their tenth visit, they qualified for a free ride to the hospital using the ambulance ride-share app ROSC. Once a patient reached 100 visits, they got to choose a piece of attire from the brand Chic Cheeks, the hospital’s line of designer patient attire. And for the rare patient that reached 1,000 visits, they received a free night in the Hospital’s AirBNB.
Though well intentioned, the small subset of frequent flyers who tend to use the ED for less-than-medical purposes have made it their goal of racking up punch card points. One night, a group of frequent flyers reportedly all took ROSC to the hospital, and threw a raging party in their AirBNB room, leading to the Woeisme Loyalty Punch Card program being cancelled entirely.
3. Worst EMS Transport
Perplexed emergency department resident Dr. Benji received an unusual patient from an ambulance crew. On arrival to the ED, medics gave the report, “24-year-old female in a two vehicle collision, unknown speed, no restraints, ejected from vehicle, sustaining a traumatic amputation to the right foot. Bleeding controlled, no tourniquet applied. No other apparent injuries. Vital signs stable. No PMH, meds or allergies. IV placed in left forearm. No interventions on en route. The foot is in the bag at the end of her gurney.”
The patient sat texting on her phone and without any apparent concerns. To Benji’s surprise, she found the patient’s foot to be wholly intact, firmly attached, and without any injuries. All present then turned to the bag at the end of the gurney: whose foot had EMS transported?
Dr. Benji opened the bag to inspect the amputated body part, which turned out to be a fake prop. The EMT stammered, “But she was adamant that her foot had been cut off!” The patient on the gurney interrupted, “I was just pretending. Obviously my foot is still attached.” At which point she rolled her eyes, hopped off the gurney, and walked out of the ED.
What Cathies will Hospital Woeisme win next year? Stay tuned!
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