First Annual Roller Derby Match
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First Annual Roller Derby Match
The long-standing tradition of a springtime interdepartmental resident and fellow baseball game at Hospital Woeisme is getting replaced this year with a roller derby match. Changing the activity is hoping to level the playing field and get more trainees to participate. Typically, the same few folks end up pitching and batting, while the rest aimlessly wander the outfield or drink beer in the bleachers.
Given the new sport, the teams have been given access to a nearby roller derby rink in order to practice. On visiting the rink, several specialties could be spotted lacing up their skates and running drills, including: the radiologists, team name Rad Rollers; the pathologists, team name Zombie Knockers; the ENT surgeons, team name Jawbreakers; and the urologists, team name Nutcrackers.
On observing the practice bouts, there is a wide range of skills present. Many residents seem quite unsteady on wheels and can barely get around the track – veritable “Freshmeat” in roller derby terminology. Meanwhile, other residents race around and hip whip their teammates like old pros. A handful of residents were seen nursing scrapes, bruises, and rink rash on the sidelines, but none of the injured seem deterred from playing in the actual match. If anything, they were even more determined to prove themselves on game day.
“Finally we’re doing something other than baseball!” Shared Dr. Gin, an Ob-Gyn resident on the Queen O. Bees, whose roller derby name is Mad Splatter. “It may be America’s pastime, but you can’t hip check an annoying medicine resident or c-block an asshole cardiothoracic fellow while catching a fly ball.” Nearby, a cardiology fellow from the Bleeding Heart Blockers bragged, “Just wait and see. We’re gonna kill it at the actual match.” Pathology resident Dr. Toolatté, going by the name Lady MacDeath, jumped into the conversation and stated, “We’ve been practicing a ton. The Zombie Knockers shouldn’t be written off as dead so quickly.” When inquiring about the whereabouts of the emergency medicine team, they have reportedly missed every practice session as they were out rock climbing.
An underground high-stakes resident betting ring has odds currently favoring the surgeons, team name The Jugulars, to win. At almost equal odds are the pediatricians, team name Little Rascals. The new pediatric hospitalist Dr. McMuffin is reportedly putting her residents through their paces. She has mandated drills during every lunch break, and reportedly threatened to make some of her residents round while wearing skates if they don’t improve.
Who will be crowned the roller derby champs in this first annual tournament? Stay tuned to find out!
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