Magic Pill Now Available!
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Magic Pill Now Available!
Diexerciseatrightumab, trade name: Allinone
Breaking news from Hospital Woeisme! The newest medical marvel on the market, diexerciseatrightumab, is now available. It goes by the trade name Allinone (pronounced all-in-one), but most refer to it simply as: The Magic Pill.
“This is the pill we’ve been waiting for – the one that fixes everything!” reports inventor and supplier Dr. B. Well. “Taken once a day, it can help cure or prevent every common disease, including: high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol, coronary artery disease, many cancers, anxiety, depression, restless leg syndrome, fatigue, chronic neck and back pain, stress, tension headaches, irritable bowel syndrome, and hiccups. And that’s just the beginning!”
Patient and physician reviews of the magic pill have been generally positive. Mr. Bags, who began taking Allinone last year, raved, “After my first year of being on Allinone, I no longer need most of my other medications. I feel great- this pill truly is magical! I’ve convinced my wife to start taking it, too!” A patient who just recently began taking Allinone shared, “I haven’t seen any results yet, but I’m still hopeful. My doc said it usually takes a few months before the ‘magic’ starts kicking in.”
Patient reported side effects mainly site generalized muscle soreness upon starting the regimen, but it has been otherwise generally well tolerated. Family physician Dr. General stated, “Well, the price for Diexerciseatrightumab is a bit steep, but what do you expect from a pill that helps cure or prevent literally everything? Once the patent has expired, I expect we’ll see more reasonably priced alternatives hit the market.”
According to Allinone’s website, the magic pill is available for the low annual price of $500,000. Included with the magic pill is a 24/7 concierge physician, gym membership, personal trainer, insurance (including health, disability, life, car, and a choice of either home owners or renters coverage), automatically scheduled eye and dental appointments, designer athleisure wear, private chef, 30+ SPF sunscreen, a meditation app, a bullet journal, a reminder to wear your seatbelt on entering your vehicle, an unlimited array of sanitary supplies for women, and optional genetic testing and counseling.
The magic pill also features a two-week holistic yoga-detox-health retreat that is led by a celebrity wellness guru. Rumor has it that Gwyneth Paltrow will be hosting the next retreat. Most importantly, it includes an accountabilibuddy to make sure you don’t miss any doses of your daily pill.
The small oblong tablet is either white, dark green, or light green, has a mild minty flavor, and looks suspiciously like a Tic Tac. It is available without a prescription at both the Hospital Woeisme pharmacy and gift shop, however it is not currently covered by any insurance.
Diexerciseatrightumab is reportedly flying off the shelves, so make sure to get yours soon!
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