Physician researchers at Hospital Woeisme are known as the best in the country. Their skills are so advanced that they have achieved the impossible – they have cured death! The team had been working on a secret elixir, dubbed Anti-Deather (trademark pending), for years. They had tested various iterations of the proprietary concoction on scores of recently deceased patients, though they had not had any success until today.
Read MoreIn what resembled an Oprah Winfrey-esque giveaway bonanza, every person in the emergency department at Hospital Woeisme received a 5150 yesterday.
Read MoreTwo young dads in sports jerseys stroll around their mostly-deserted suburban neighborhood. They're carrying small folding stools and listening to a police scanner. Their faces light up when they hear the crackling radio announce that a trauma has occurred near them. They rush to the nearby address. On arriving, they set up their stools on the sidewalk. They pull brightly colored plastic microphones, which look 'borrowed' from their kids, from their jacket pockets.
Read MoreHospital Woeisme has won a record-breaking number of Golden Catheter Awards this year. Just at the Golden Raspberry Awards, also known as the Razzies, honor to the worst movies each year, the Cathies are awarded annually to hospitals for colossal screw-ups, embarrassing claims-to-fame, and record-breaking fails.
Read MoreWhat started as a mistaken laboratory order blossomed into one of the greatest romances that Hospital Woeisme has ever seen.
One afternoon, an employee heard the familiar whoosh and clunk of a carrier tube arriving via the pneumatic tube system. The hospital-wide tube system transports thousands of items each day, such as laboratory samples and medications. On opening the tube at her station, station 14, she found an item request from station 63, which had been meant for another department.
Read MoreLongtime friends Dr. Ricardo and Dr. Mertz recently launched their line of designer hospital attire called Chic Cheeks. The women met as undergraduate students and shared the goal of becoming surgeons. They supported each other through the arduous years of medical school and their respective surgical residencies. Now as attending physicians at Hospital Woeisme, the duo continues to do research and other projects together. Their most recent venture, however, developed far outside of the operating room.
Read MoreThe annual mass casualty incident (MCI) training drill, organized and run by volunteer emergency physicians from Hospital Woeisme, took an unexpected turn this year.
Read MorePediatricians at Hospital Woeisme were shocked during rounds over the weekend to find that the pediatrics ward had been placed on lockdown. Though initially worried that a security threat had triggered the lockdown, they soon found that the pediatric patients had staged the coup themselves and taken control of the ward.
Read MoreThe first annual Take Your Parents to Work Day occurred at Hospital Woeisme last week. The idea stemmed from the resident wellness committee; they reasoned that the experience would show families what the day-to-day life of a resident truly entails. Trainees from each specialty were given permission to have their parents shadow all patient-care activities, including procedures, rounds, and conferences.
Read MoreWok n’ Wards, the new restaurant at Hospital Woeisme, caused quite a stir-fry in the emergency department last week. The restaurant replaced a longstanding delicatessen, and features Asian styles dishes where patrons can mix and match vegetables, noodles, and meats such as chicken, pork, and beef. Notably missing from the menu is any dish with turkey.
Read MoreROSC, a band comprised of residents from Hospital Woeisme, has been announced as the winner of a nationwide talent contest! The band, which officially stands for ‘Rockin’ Out, Stayin’ Cool,’ (though rumor has it the original acronym stood for ‘Residents Over Stupid Crap,’ and not to be confused with the ambulance ride-share app ‘Riding On Shared Cabs’) has signed a multi-million dollar recording contract as part of their winnings. Playing in the genre they’ve dubbed Nouveau Classic Rock, ROSC is reminiscent of Jimi Hendrix, with the added intensity of Lenny Kravitz-esque energy.
Read MoreHospital Woeisme has finished updating its entrances, with the completed doors more closely resembling something from the new Star Wars movie than a hospital entrance. Each metal entryway features a short, tunneled pathway, wide enough for one person to walk through at a time. In addition to the usual feature of allowing for ingress and egress of a structure, these doors have something extra: they are all CT scanners.
Read MoreAlways aiming to stay on top of the latest trends in the medical world, Hospital Woeisme has started selling essential oils in its gift shop and pharmacy. According to hospital CEO Dr. Koopa, “Essential oils promise all sorts of medical benefits. The premium starter kit I purchased contains a variety of flavors, and I was promised that my return on investment would be enormous – how could I not get involved in such an enterprise?”
Read MoreBreaking news from Hospital Woeisme! The newest medical marvel on the market, diexerciseatrightumab, is now available. It goes by the trade name Allinone (pronounced all-in-one), but most refer to it simply as: The Magic Pill.
Read MoreHospital Woeisme administrators have been scouring the facility recently, attempting to locate a secret resident-run speakeasy. Rumors first spread about the hidden bar when a disgruntled resident, who apparently hadn’t been given an invitation, reported it to his attending. The speakeasy is believed to have music, games, and drinking, though no one is entirely sure as it is so mysterious.
Read MoreAn unusual noise emanating from the surgeon's lounge at Hospital Woeisme resulted in one of the greatest medical mysteries in recent history. The sound, described as near constant, loud, and varying in pitch and tone, disturbed and confused any who heard it. When investigated, the cause of the noise turned out to be uncontrollable laughter.
Read MoreThis past Saturday a 150-year-old time capsule was unearthed on the grounds of Hospital Woeisme. Initially buried in the year 1870 at a ceremony commemorating the opening of Hospital Woeisme, the time capsule was inscribed with the instructions, “Do not open until January 20, 2020. Or else.”
Read MoreThe long-standing tradition of a springtime interdepartmental resident and fellow baseball game at Hospital Woeisme is getting replaced this year with a roller derby match. Changing the activity is hoping to level the playing field and get more trainees to participate. Typically, the same few folks end up pitching and batting, while the rest aimlessly wander the outfield or drink beer in the bleachers.
Read MoreThe University College of Woeisme officially changed its name to University of Woeisme College of Medicine at a ribbon cutting ceremony earlier today. The name change occurred just prior to the school’s annual pep rally. Rumors abound that the actual impetus for the name change was the result of an unfortunate incident with a prominent donor.
Read MorePhysicians are scientists. They tend to favor evidence-based medicine, robust research studies, and cold, hard logic. Ghosts and superstitions do not typically fall under those categories. But in room 513, a series of odd events has caused a group of medicine interns to question their disbelief in the supernatural.
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