Retracted article: Aliens Visit Hospital Woebegone!
Retracted Article: Aliens Visit Hospital Woebegone!
Patient room at Hospital Woebegone
This publication would like to retract a recently published article entitled, “Aliens Visit Hospital Woebegone!” We apologize for the confusion and excitement that we may have caused.
Much ado took place at Hospital Woebegone this weekend as aliens were allegedly spotted in a patient’s room. In researching the claim further, a chain of events was uncovered which led to the sensational headline and unintentional false reporting.
The patient Cecilia Seasons, being the primary eyewitness, initially gave a detailed account of seeing multiple little green men swarming her room, lots of bright lights, and “a feeling of peace and warmth, as if I was levitating.” The medicine and psychiatry teams confirmed her story, having all received a group text from the psychiatry intern Dr. Minds, stating “OMG there are aliens in Ms. C’s room!”
Psychiatry had been consulted by the medicine intern, Dr. Innocent, who stated in his consult request, “Ms. C sees aliens in her room.” Dr. Innocent explained that he sent the consult based on a text he received from the medicine resident Dr. Rez.
It is worth noting that Dr. Innocent is dyslexic, and the actual text he received from Dr. Rez read “Ms. C sees an aline in her room.”
On the night in question, Dr. Rez had received a confusing text from the medicine team’s fellow, Dr. Ship. The resident Dr. Rez glanced at it and then promptly forwarded it to the intern Dr. Innocent. When asked about the content of the text Dr. Rez sighed, “I was too busy to deal with it. I figured the intern to would sort it out.”
Tracking the text back further, the fellow Dr. Ship was interviewed next. When asked about the nonsensical text, Dr. Ship explained that an A-line is shorthand for an arterial line, a device used to measure blood pressure in critically ill patients. She then explained that “Cici” is the nickname for the lovely patient Ms. Cecilia Seasons.
The evening of the supposed alien encounter was particularly busy, and Dr. Ship’s hands were both figuratively and literally full. Thus, the fellow had utilized Siri to quickly dictate the message: “Ms. Cici Seasons needs an A-line in her room.” Not quite catching the multiple C’s and S’s of the patient’s name, Siri dictated the message to read, “Ms. C sees an aline in her room.”
Thus, the original message was revealed: “Ms. Cecilia Seasons needs an arterial line in her room.” Dr. Ship had been alarmed to receive a text later that evening about an alien sighting. She was equally startled to learn that, as of the time of publication, the patient’s arterial line had not yet been placed.
As for Ms. Seasons herself? She is opposed to the retraction of our previous article and has not changed her story. According to the surgical team, Ms. Seasons had received large doses of ketamine and pain medication earlier that evening for a procedure. The “green men” she saw were likely the surgeons all dolled up their masks and goggles, the “alien” lights were probably the surgical lights used to illuminate the room, and the medications she received explain her sensory alterations and hallucinations. Even after being given this alternative explanation, she remains adamant about the truth of her original tale. From her perspective, Ms. Seasons did indeed see aliens in her room.
Need more medical satire in your life ASAP?
Check out the original collection of 44 short stores from the fictional wards of Hospital Woeisme!
Including:
Frequent Flyer Awarded Medical Degree
Baby Yoda Memes Improve Patient Compliance
Gas Leak Leaves Surgeons in Stitches
Hospital Joins Airbnb
Dr. McMuffins Hired as New Pediatric Hospitalist
The Accidental Apocalypse
